Book How to Instantly Connect with Anyone

Focus on Others and They Will Focus on You

Numerous effective communication techniques and subtle stratagems allow you to build confidence, speak easily with others and connect positively with everyone you meet. These techniques enable you to promote other people’s feelings of self-esteem, thus encouraging them to feel good about themselves and sparking their appreciation of you.

“For all the hair styling, shoe shining, suit buying and personality projecting we do, we never really know why some people succeed in life and others don’t.”

To achieve this state of personal grace, exercise your practical ability to make an “emotional prediction,” that is, to think through how other people will feel in reaction to something you say or do. To exercise this ability, learn a few of these tricks:

Good Impressions

Here’s how to make everyone immediately feel good about being with you:

• “How to develop excellent eye contact” – To maintain strong eye contact, deliberately investigate other people’s eyes. Try to determine their eye color, the length of their lashes, how often they blink and if they wear contact lenses. Look and see. Become an eye detective.
• “How to wear confidence when meeting people” – Do not wear something you just bought when you meet someone new. You won’t know until you use an item of clothing how it makes you feel or look. Get comfortable with new clothing by wearing it around the house before donning it for meetings with others.
• “How to get them ‘dying to meet you’” – When you introduce someone to another person, say something highly positive about the individual first. If one party is a trusted friend, agree in advance to praise each other during introductions. This buddy system will help you and your friend break the ice at social gatherings or meetings.
• “How to make everyone anxious to hear your opinion” – The trick is not to barge into conversations at the outset. Instead, be quiet, pay close attention to what others say and maintain strong eye contact with the speaker. Always stay calm and cool. When you finally speak, people will be fully primed to hear what you, the thoughtful observer, have to say.

Greetings and Goodbyes

How you meet people and how you leave them makes a difference. Follow these tips for great entrances and exits:

• “How to have a one-of-a-kind, noticeably outstanding handshake” – Reach for the other person’s pulse in his or her wrist. If you “lightly place your forefinger” on the other person’s vein, he or she immediately will feel a strong physical connection with you.
• “How to exchange business cards with class” – The business card someone hands you means everything to the giver. Do not just stick it in your pocket. Instead, hold it with both hands and gaze thoughtfully at it, like some small yet priceless artwork. Then, continue to hold it at waist level, glancing at it once in a while. When you give someone your card, remove it from a handsome card case and hold it up with the script horizontal, facing the other person. This signals that your card – and thus your business or profession – is important to you. Others will react accordingly. Treat business cards with respect.
• “How to show you like someone without being forward” – Reach out to the person in an affectionate manner, and then quickly pull your hand back. This signals that you feel sudden warmth and affection toward the other person, but that you also respect him or her and wouldn’t overstep proper boundaries.
• “How to meet the people you want” – When the person sits down, take the adjacent chair. Sitting next to someone makes it easy to strike up an extended conversation.

Communication

Engage others in warm conversations and they will feel good about you. Here’s how:

• “How to get lively conversation going with people you’ve just met” – Direct the conversation to be about the other person. You could ask details about their immediate past, that is, what he or she has been doing during the past six or seven hours. Such details are easy for people to talk about because they have just taken place and people enjoy discussing their favorite topic: themselves.
• “How to start a friendship with complete strangers” – Encourage strangers to speak about something that requires some sort of follow-up to extend the conversation. For example, ask someone to recommend a restaurant where you could take your spouse for dinner (follow-up: “Where is it? What should I order?”) Should you “forget” the recommendation, you now have an excuse to call your new contact and ask again. Contacting a person after you have been introduced is the surest path to developing a new friendship.
• “How to never hesitate starting or joining a conversation” – The day before a social gathering, think carefully about what people are likely to be discussing. Just as carefully, construct an opinion about one or more of those topics. At the gathering, you’ll be ready to express your well-reasoned, well-informed and thought-out opinion.
• “How to make your point when you keep getting interrupted” – Once someone interrupts you, if you come back with an identical point, you will sound like a stuck record. Introduce the point you want to make with different words. For example, “many people have a different opinion, but mine is...” or “Considering the situation, don’t you think...” In other words, pour your old wine into a brand new bottle.
• “How to tailor your talk to your listener(s)” – You would nott use grandiose words to speak with first-graders. Make sure you personalize your communication to make your audience – whether it is one person or many – comfortable. Do not talk down to people, but be sensitive to how they speak with each other. “When in Rome, speak like the Romans.”
• “How to talk behind people’s backs so they love it” – People are always intrigued to hear what others say about them, so say something nice that they are sure to overhear, but do so as if you think they won’t. As you leave a party, tell your date, “Dave certainly knows how to throw a nice party, doesn’t he?” Speak louder than normal, so Dave can listen to what you say, but don’t show you know that he’s close enough to hear.
• “How to make everyone comfortable speaking with you” – Engaging in a conversation that is not awkward for other people requires at least ensuring that they are physically comfortable. For instance, talking to someone from behind your desk may be intimidating. Instead, pull out a chair and invite the person to sit next to you. Make sure men can see the exit from where they sit. Most men feel uneasy with their backs to the door.
• “How to exude a more authoritative air” – As someone makes a point, bring your chin up (not down in the normal sign of agreement) a few times from a position parallel to the floor. This can seem arrogant, so show warmth when you use this body-language trick.
• “How to laugh your way to being respected” – Laughter is infectious. When people around you say or so do something clever or attempt to make a joke, be the first to provide a hearty laugh. Show others that you enjoy their company.
• “How to read people’s minds” – To discover how people truly feel about things, watch their faces. If their lips lift up ever so slightly, they feel good. If their faces are deadpan, or their lips turn down, they feel otherwise. Adjust your communication accordingly.

Socializing

Many people go to parties to socialize, but they often feel awkward. To enjoy yourself, use these tips:

• “How to make friends at a big party” – Just get to the party early. You will meet people who are already there and who can then introduce you to their friends when they show up. This is also a good technique when you take children to parties. Plaster a big smile on your face when someone shows up solo. Speak to him or her immediately to make a friend for life.
• “How to never look lost and lonely at a gathering” – Enter the room as if you own it. Make sure you scan the room and wave enthusiastically as though you have spotted someone you know.
• “How to turn someone down while retaining his or her affection” – Act excited when you feel you must accept an invitation to an event that you would prefer to avoid. Later, contact the person and regretfully communicate that your schedule will not let you attend.

Email and Cellphones

Email and cellphones come with their own communication do’s and don’ts:

• “How to prove you are special when you are out of the office” – Don’t rely on automated messages. Make yours personal and friendly.
• “How to make your email sound confident” – Do not use past-tense sentences. Don’t write, “I was hoping...” Write, “I hope you...” The past tense signals insecurity.
• “How to avoid sounding egotistical in your email” – Cut down on use of the word “I.”
• “How to sign your messages” – Nothing is more important to a person than his or her name. Make sure you include the name of the email recipient in the final sentence of your message.
• “How to avoid email humiliation – or worse” – Double-check all CCs and the “chain” messages that may be electronically attached to the messages that you send. Don’t inadvertently send the wrong message to the wrong person.
• “How to sound like you have a crystal ball” – Check to see what is going on in the area where your email recipient lives, and mention any upcoming events cleverly in your communication. The few seconds it takes to do such a Web search will pay big dividends with your recipient.
• “How to boost their self-esteem with your cellphone” – Being with someone who constantly interrupts you to take cellphone calls is humiliating. When you are with someone, make sure they see you switch off your cellphone to show them deference.

Faux Pas

People say and do the dumbest things. Avoid making these mistakes:

• “How to avoid people thinking you have no status at your job” – Never use the phrase “my lunch hour.” It signals that you are not in charge of your time.
• “How to avoid common dumb phrases people say all the time” – Avoid saying, “I’m sorry, I just didn’t have time...to call,” or to write, or to come by. This signals that the other person doesn’t deserve your valuable time. Don’t tell people to “have a safe flight” when you drop them off at the airport. You signal that perhaps they will die. Don’t tell people you’re walking with, “Don’t trip.” This implies that you see them as clumsy.
• “How to know when not to be friendly” – Sometimes, people do not want you to be so friendly, particularly when you run into them while they are drunk, arguing or carrying out some hanky-panky. If you see someone when you know he or she wishes you had not, act as if you did not. Do not listen attentively when someone inebriated or otherwise indisposed starts sharing information that is far too personal. Always change the subject quickly.
• “How to avoid sounding dishonest”– Don’t ever say “frankly” or “let me be honest with you.” Such phrases signal that you might change from being honest to being dishonest depending on the person you are with or the situation at hand.

Relationships

Nothing is more important than personal relationships. Make sure you use these tips to promote yours:

• “How to make them always remember your ‘thank you’” – Thank people immediately for a kindness, present or consideration. Then, go out of your way to thank them again a few months later.
• “How to give them compliments they’ll never forget” – Stretch compliments out by adding details. Make sure your praise recognizes the other person’s full effort.
• “How to enhance your relationship with your partner”– Routinely speak favorably of your partner, whether he or she is present or not.